When I was a child, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen had everything figured out.

They had careers, apartments in New York and fully formed personalities before the age of sixteen.

Unfortunately there were two immediate problems with my plan to follow in their footsteps:

I am not a twin. And I am not American.

My own brush with fame came when I appeared for roughly one tenth of a second in a Dove hair advert, so I feel I understand the pressures of celebrity life.

Mary-Kate and Ashley Ruined My Life is a stand-up show about the dangerous expectations created by 90s childhood icons and the slow realisation that adulthood is mostly chaos.

Through a series of increasingly ridiculous true stories, I explain how I accidentally won a 10K race, failed my driving test seven times, got scammed by “Jeremy” from Monzo, nearly bought a house from a murderer, and was once fired by my couples’ therapist.

Along the way I reveal my toxic addiction to tap dancing, attempt to fix my relationship with my brother using ChatGPT, worry about my cat entering into an arranged marriage, and explain what happens when you work as an NHS psychiatrist and a patient proposes to you.

The show blends storytelling, observational stand-up and moments of complete absurdity, including audience participation where I attempt to diagnose audience members’ “medical problems”.

The Olsen twins had a plan. I have zero finesse.